Living in the nation's capital has its ups and downs and I won't go into which there are more of but I will say that one of the downs is definitely a common hatred all Washingtonians share - tourists.
There's a difference between being a traveller and being a tourist and because I know that anyone who happens across this blog is awesome and they don't want to be labeled as a tourist, I'm going to give you a bit of advice on how to not look like a complete tourist in DC. (Imagine me saying tourist with the kind of contempt most Parisians use to talk about, well, anyone who's not a Parisian)
1. Fanny packs
I don't know if there's a different word for this that I should be saying but everyone knows what I'm talking about. Those horrible waist - belt - pack things that parents use to help carry whatever their screaming children want. They are the most disgusting thing on the face of the earth and there is nothing that will signal you put as a tourist quite like a fanny pack. Use a backpack or a purse to carry your granola bars and water bottles and cheap souvenirs but for the love of God do not use a fanny pack because you will regret it and everyone will laugh at you. That being said, I think it's fair to say that it is mostly the, erm, older generations who enjoy the use of fanny packs (well they didn't grow up with Disney Channel fashion so who can blame their poor, depraved minds) but if your parent tries to leave the house in a fanny pack, you have a duty to burn that thing. Especially in DC where we are perfectly okay with laughing at you in full view.
I don't know if there's a different word for this that I should be saying but everyone knows what I'm talking about. Those horrible waist - belt - pack things that parents use to help carry whatever their screaming children want. They are the most disgusting thing on the face of the earth and there is nothing that will signal you put as a tourist quite like a fanny pack. Use a backpack or a purse to carry your granola bars and water bottles and cheap souvenirs but for the love of God do not use a fanny pack because you will regret it and everyone will laugh at you. That being said, I think it's fair to say that it is mostly the, erm, older generations who enjoy the use of fanny packs (well they didn't grow up with Disney Channel fashion so who can blame their poor, depraved minds) but if your parent tries to leave the house in a fanny pack, you have a duty to burn that thing. Especially in DC where we are perfectly okay with laughing at you in full view.
2. Wearable souvenirs
Just as New Yorkers will glare at you if you're wearing an "I heart NY" shirt, it is even worse if you do it in DC. Not because we are meaner than New Yorkers (cause come on, no one's meaner than New Yorkers) but because it's just so disgusting to wear any of the "I heart DC" gear. Why? Because not only is it a gross thing to do originally but the "I heart DC" is already such a knockoff of "I heart NY" that it's like getting a knockoff Prada in a Louis Vuitton store. You will look absolutely and irreversibly like a tourist and there is no one who can save you now. Maybe you got it because you were cold and it was cheap - but we're not going to know that and I doubt there are many people who will care so it's best to just refrain.
Just as New Yorkers will glare at you if you're wearing an "I heart NY" shirt, it is even worse if you do it in DC. Not because we are meaner than New Yorkers (cause come on, no one's meaner than New Yorkers) but because it's just so disgusting to wear any of the "I heart DC" gear. Why? Because not only is it a gross thing to do originally but the "I heart DC" is already such a knockoff of "I heart NY" that it's like getting a knockoff Prada in a Louis Vuitton store. You will look absolutely and irreversibly like a tourist and there is no one who can save you now. Maybe you got it because you were cold and it was cheap - but we're not going to know that and I doubt there are many people who will care so it's best to just refrain.
3. Don't be unaware on the metro
In DC, we take our metro (subway, tube, T, whatever) system very seriously and for good reason too. A metro system is a blessing for many reasons and one of the main ones is the fact that it is many people's primary mode of transportation. So do NOT be unaware of your surroundings on the metro. It really isn't that hard to accomplish. No one's going to get mad if you're crowding a metro map - I've lived here my whole life and I have to take a look at the map sometimes. But don't crowd the elevators, don't badger the metro transit officials, don't annoy everyone on the car, and DO NOT escaleft. For those of you who don't know, there is a general rule with elevators everywhere and that is; Stand right, walk left. You have to leave a lane on the left for people to walk down or up because just because you think it's fine to take your sweet time doesn't mean other people aren't in a hurry. When you stand on the left, we call it "escalefting" And it's just so rude, especially when you ask someone to move and they're not listening. This goes again to the basic lesson of this point - be aware. No need to make a big deal, just try not to escaleft and move if someone asks you. But we take the metro very seriously and the only rule is to be aware of what's going on. Watch other people who seem to know what they're doing and do what they do! The metro is what distinguishes a tourist from a traveller or native and you do not want to look like a fool in this key moment. If you can work the metro properly, all these other rules should be cake.
In DC, we take our metro (subway, tube, T, whatever) system very seriously and for good reason too. A metro system is a blessing for many reasons and one of the main ones is the fact that it is many people's primary mode of transportation. So do NOT be unaware of your surroundings on the metro. It really isn't that hard to accomplish. No one's going to get mad if you're crowding a metro map - I've lived here my whole life and I have to take a look at the map sometimes. But don't crowd the elevators, don't badger the metro transit officials, don't annoy everyone on the car, and DO NOT escaleft. For those of you who don't know, there is a general rule with elevators everywhere and that is; Stand right, walk left. You have to leave a lane on the left for people to walk down or up because just because you think it's fine to take your sweet time doesn't mean other people aren't in a hurry. When you stand on the left, we call it "escalefting" And it's just so rude, especially when you ask someone to move and they're not listening. This goes again to the basic lesson of this point - be aware. No need to make a big deal, just try not to escaleft and move if someone asks you. But we take the metro very seriously and the only rule is to be aware of what's going on. Watch other people who seem to know what they're doing and do what they do! The metro is what distinguishes a tourist from a traveller or native and you do not want to look like a fool in this key moment. If you can work the metro properly, all these other rules should be cake.
4. Only going to Museums on the mall
The National Mall (for anyone who's oblivious, it's not actually a mall, but in fact a large green space ringed by the Washington Monunent, the Capitol, the Smithsonian, etc, etc) has so many amazing museums such as the Museum of Natural History, the Museum of American History, the Air and Space Museum, et al, but these are not the only museums in DC. Far from it, actually. Granted, most of these places are the free museums that we all love so much, but they are not the only ones and I recommend that if you have a little extra time, why not go visit some of the other museums that we're so proud of? The Spy Museum is a fantastic trip, the Museum of Crime and Punishment, or some house museums such as Hillwood Estate or Dumbarton Oaks or Tudor Place. There are so many museums all over DC and all of them are worth a visit so if you want to get the real DC experience, go off the map just a little bit.
The National Mall (for anyone who's oblivious, it's not actually a mall, but in fact a large green space ringed by the Washington Monunent, the Capitol, the Smithsonian, etc, etc) has so many amazing museums such as the Museum of Natural History, the Museum of American History, the Air and Space Museum, et al, but these are not the only museums in DC. Far from it, actually. Granted, most of these places are the free museums that we all love so much, but they are not the only ones and I recommend that if you have a little extra time, why not go visit some of the other museums that we're so proud of? The Spy Museum is a fantastic trip, the Museum of Crime and Punishment, or some house museums such as Hillwood Estate or Dumbarton Oaks or Tudor Place. There are so many museums all over DC and all of them are worth a visit so if you want to get the real DC experience, go off the map just a little bit.
5. Taking pictures of government buildings
I get it, the capitol, the white house, they're tourist attractions and very important historical landmarks that also just happen to be government buildings. Fun to take pictures of, harmless, really. Yes, most of it is. Take your pictures and if you happen across something that is a government building but also looks like a Greek or Roman temple, chances are you're fine. Knock yourself out because in DC we know people like to take pictures of our great city. But oh my GOD do not take pictures of government buildings that do not look like they are specifically designed for tourist with camera happy fingers. This is the capital of the United States of America and we think that we're very important. If you take pictures of the government building, scary security guards will ask you to stop because you look hella sketchy. Just understand that if a building doesn't look like a tourist friendly place (aka it looks like a normal building) I don't care if it says "Department of Puppies" and you love puppies DON'T take the picture. It is the most amusing thing to see tourists getting stopped by every Bob, Joe, and Mary security guard because their stupid self couldn't contain their love of puppies and now they look like a Russian spy.
I get it, the capitol, the white house, they're tourist attractions and very important historical landmarks that also just happen to be government buildings. Fun to take pictures of, harmless, really. Yes, most of it is. Take your pictures and if you happen across something that is a government building but also looks like a Greek or Roman temple, chances are you're fine. Knock yourself out because in DC we know people like to take pictures of our great city. But oh my GOD do not take pictures of government buildings that do not look like they are specifically designed for tourist with camera happy fingers. This is the capital of the United States of America and we think that we're very important. If you take pictures of the government building, scary security guards will ask you to stop because you look hella sketchy. Just understand that if a building doesn't look like a tourist friendly place (aka it looks like a normal building) I don't care if it says "Department of Puppies" and you love puppies DON'T take the picture. It is the most amusing thing to see tourists getting stopped by every Bob, Joe, and Mary security guard because their stupid self couldn't contain their love of puppies and now they look like a Russian spy.
Disclaimer: There is no actual Department of Puppies so don't get too pressed.
And that's my basic list of how to not look like an absolute tourist in DC and I hope it helps some of you to be more suave in this city in the future because lord knows you do NOT want to go on the Mall in the summer or you'll be drowned by the waves of matching t-shirts and tour buses. Gag.
Have a Brettastic day!
(Image credit: http://m.tourism-review.com/washington-dc-welcomed-155-million-tourists-in-2010-news2764)